Well 40 is fast approaching and my waistline is expanding....how did this happen? Who can I blame? Kids, hectic work schedule, men? It cannot be the Reese's cups because peanut butter is good for you and the chocolate is so I don't walk around like idiot chewing on a glob of peanut butter.
So I have decided to go on a diet...kill me now! I am sorry, it is not a diet it is a "lifestyle change." Whatever. Always the one to take someone down with me I decide Jim is going on a diet too.
I know me and I have to be accountable to someone so I decided to go to a weight loss center. You know where the really skinny girl weighs you and scowls if you have not lost weight.
The night before the "official start"
We have a nice meal at our favorite restaurant to have the last good fattening meal for a while.
The first day of the rest of my thin life
On our way to the diet place...Since I am going to finally rid myself of my excess body fat I think I deserve a treat. So I am going to Starbucks even though it is in the opposite direction. Yum...frou- frou coffee with whipped cream and chocolate drizzle on top! Should I take the coffee in? Isn't that like taking wine to an AA meeting? Oh well at least they know they have their work cut out for them.
Weigh in - anything over 20 pounds is NOT "vanity pounds".
Orientation - that is where they tell you all the things that you are not suppose to eat.
Doctor visit - checks vitals and asks us what we hope to accomplish and our current weak spots. HELLO my weak spot is food, I have a fried pork chop in my purse!
Pharmacy - collect amino acids and appetite suppressants and anything else we need to help us start our wonderful new journey. What I really need is a muzzle or at least my jaw wired shut...boy it would be quiet around the house.
All finished...not quite! Each month you have to go back and be weighed and check in...Oh goodness, let the fibbing begin!
Next stop Sam's Club for bulk veggies and meat. That was great, us shopping with noble intentions. Then going home and waiting patiently while Jim fires up the indoor Wolfgang Puck grill and makes me a bunless cheeseburger. I can does this. I love red meat.
First month is not bad...lost 6 pounds yeah!
That was the first month, it is alot more diffucult now. The new has worn off and I am crabby. I have realized our social life revolves around food. Jim and I look at each other with blank stares and say "I don't care, what do YOU want for dinner?"
The good thing is we are still trying. Jim is eating yogurt and 15 grain bread for breakfast and I am eating a cinnamon roll....300 calories either way! Which would you choose?
I really miss doughnuts. I sometimes make up little songs about the good times we had. I have texted Jessica at 10 o'clock at night about how I just do not think I can go on without a Krispy Kreme chocolate covered creme filled....ahhh soft airy pastry and gritty sugar filling. I love you so. I am trying to live a virtuous existence but your temptation is ever-present.
Well I still have about 15 more pounds to lose so I think I can do it, wait I know I can!!!! But if for some reason you hear of a wild eyed, crazy haired girl pulling a "Michael Douglas in Falling Down" at the Krispy Kreme you will know I have been defeated....oh and please bring tweezers, sunless tanner and cigarettes to the jailhouse for me because, I look better in orange if I have tan, everytime I go for a waxing appointment the lady asks me if I want my moustache waxed (I so do not have one, it is peach fuzz) and I will never make it in the joint so I can use the cigs for currency!
Here are some books to keeping you laughing and thinking while you are starving:
Food and Loathing by Betsy Lerner
This book chronicles Betsy's battle with compulsive overeating and dieting. She battles the scales and her overwhelming hopelessness all in an attempt to get treatment for herself.
Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest to Discover If Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, or Why Pie Is Not the Answer by Jen Lancaster
If laughing is an exercise you are in for a workout! This book is so funny. It chronicles Jen's quest to lose weight. We follow her to the Weight Watchers, Jenny Caraig and gasp! the gym. During her induction to Jenny Craig she learns that she would have access to a 24-hour help line. Who calls this number? Is it some poor soul sitting in the floor of her kitchen with a can of Pringles thinking if she just eats the chips, her arteries will clog and free her from this no fat, no sugar, portion controlled world? Funny...Funny book I have not finished it yet it: has to get me through the rest of my journey to find the "new me", heck the regular me probably ate her!
Half-Assed: A Weight-Loss Memoir by Jennette Fulda
I am just starting this one. The first few chapters are really enlightening. Jennette challenges all of the stereotypes of why people are overweight. She was not abused or neglected yet she weighed 372 pounds at the age of 24. This memoir chronicles her quest to lose half of her body weight. It promises to be an interesting read.